Admissions Essay #1: I am an Ambitious Leader

Prompt: Select two characteristics from the list that you strongly demonstrate. Using specific examples, explain why you chose these characteristics and how you exhibit them in your life (250 words maximum).

Characteristics: 

  • Positive influence and leadership abilities
  • Ambitious and goal oriented

Essay: A person who is a positive influence with great leadership abilities should be able to facilitate, motivate, and make sure that everyone feels included. People with positive attitudes make the best leaders because their influence is infectious.

Several months ago, I was bestowed with a wonderful compliment when the Seattle Seahawks football team visited Vancouver, WA. The company that I worked for hosted the Seattle Seahawks’ community party. I was handpicked out of the hundreds of employees to be the face of the company and to personally assist the team. The CEO told me that I was chosen because I am a positive person and a great leader.

Being ambitious and goal oriented can help you to navigate through difficult situations. I believe having goals and drive are the most important factors in becoming someone great.

When I started having seizures at age 14, I had to drop out of high school. I know that my ambitions and goal to learn pushed me to continue my education with home studies. I asked my seminary teacher for a seminary manual and I spent months doing Book of Mormon studies on my own. When I was released from inpatient care at the hospital, I enrolled in part time community college where I’ve worked with steadfastness to become educated despite my setbacks. My ultimate goal, to become a broadcast journalist, has given me drive. My ambitions have shaped who I am. I know that I will become someone great with a BYU education.

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3 thoughts on “Admissions Essay #1: I am an Ambitious Leader

  1. 1. This is a good essay, but I can tell that you’re really struggling to get everything into 250 words. Because of that, it feels a little bit scattered.
    2. In your first example, you’re describing something that happened BECAUSE of your leadership skills. It’s not a direct example of you being a leader. Even though it’s something cool that happened, I would prefer to see an example that showcased your skills better.
    3. I feel like the second set of skills should be placed first, because they give a better picture of what you’ve been through. In that order, it says, “Hey, this is what I’ve been through. And this is how successful I’ve been despite it.”
    4. Instead of this list-like form, remember that you’re writing one essay, not two. I’d prefer to see it flow more from one topic to another. Instead of describing what the skills actually are (because they already know), I’d rather hear how the skills relate to each other and see a quick intro/summary. (I.e. just like, “Being ambitious and goal oriented naturally leads into being a powerful leader.” Then immediately head into your example.)
    5. I feel like your “why”s aren’t really great explanations. I’d rather hear why it’s important to YOU specifically to have those skills.

    I know that’s a ton of feedback, but hopefully it helps!

    1. Before I read what you’ve written, Em, I want to take a second to say that it means a lot to me that you took the time to read and respond to my post! Thank you!!! Okay, now I will read your suggestions! 🙂

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